Alpha Rentals

Alpha's Biography

Mom (my human mom - you know her as Chris B.) has had a lot of questions about me and why I'm on all the signs and her business cards, etc. - so I decided to write my life story here for you. I was the first born male kitten of Patches, Mom's calico cat. After I got big enough to leave my cat Mom, my human Mom took me to Andy's house. I was to keep my litter mate Sherlock company at Andy's house until he was adjusted to being away from the rest of our litter. One look around Andy's place and I decided I could be a very happy cat there - more than one cat food bowl always full of my favorite dry cat food, no dog, and a litter box for just me - who knows where I might end up when Mom found me a different home - so, I decided it was time to start controlling my destiny and the humans around me - it was a simple decision - I had to get Sherlock out and me in. I started by schmoozing with Andy - he just thought it was so entertaining when I would precariously walk out on that big foot of his when he had his legs crossed and then just lay down on it, start to purr, and then fall asleep. I also worked on the Sherlock angle - I had him convinced that Andy didn't like him and was going to be mean to him and that I would make the supreme sacrifice and stay at Andy's - I could handle that renowned temper of Andy's. In less than a week, my first venture was a success - I had the home I wanted and Sherlock went onto another home Mom had found!!

Life was pretty good after that - I had a good friend in the cat that lived there, Watson. We'd cat nap curled up together - the 2 headed orange kitty. Although I never did understand why, when Andy had visitors, they would point at me and say "Look at how that cat is sitting - just like a human!" My legs are really short for a cat and my body short, fat and round, so I've always found it more comfortable to sit on my tailbone with my legs sticking straight out and my back tucked against the back of a chair - preferably the dining room chair, after the table has been set. I took Watson's advice and started showing off for the humans - they would then fork over tiny bits of human food - including my favorite - honeydew melon.

It was at this point that life got a little boring - Watson and I would jump in the open sunroof of the car but we couldn't figure out how to make the car go - I'd stand on the seat with my paws on the steering wheel, looking out the window (I could barely see over the dash but Watson was afraid to look out at all) and Watson would fall asleep on the pedals, but we never could figure out how to make it go. To relieve the boredom, I decided to start my first business - Alpha Tile Company in Florida. I never told the humans about it - they might make me pay for my own food!!! But Mom blew it - she was in Florida and saw the store - Andy was complaining that his tile supplier hadn't shipped on schedule and it was going to hold up one of his building projects - so Mom spilled the beans and told Andy about my tile store in Florida - she suggested that he should have ordered the tile from my store and that she was sure I could guarantee on time shipment of all the tile Andy would ever need. After they realized I had opened one business, they started looking for my other businesses - perhaps you've seen some as well - Alpha books, for instance. They realized I went international after they found out about the Alpha Bank of London.

I am quite the tycoon and have several businesses - however, I do my best to not tell the humans how to run their rental business, except for those instances when I know my advice is desperately needed - actually, I got Andy started in the rental housing biz - we were living in a rental place because Andy had sold our house (for a profit, of course, the boy does have that part of business down - although I was not impressed that he sold my favorite house of all the houses we've had - I had my own atrium garden room and I could go out there whenever I pleased - I had my own garden of catnip plants that I tended carefully and I was not happy about leaving this level of luxury). This rental was supposed to be a really cool place - less than a couple of years old - but it was not all it was supposed to be - when I went to use the facilities, which was placed in the humansí bathroom, I could hear the neighbors speaking to each other through the walls!! It was awful if they had a fight - I could hear that anywhere in the apartment and I could always hear their children - I couldn't concentrate on my businesses - all that noise was so distracting! After we moved to our new house, I convinced Andy that if he wasn't going to build some good quality places in town, I would.

The only other time that I gave Andy some unasked for advice was that he had better allow cats in most of our homes - at that time he didn't have a single place where it would be OK for me to live - and that was a situation I would remedy if he didn't take care of it. If he sold our house again, I wasn't going to live in someone else's rental again and have to deal with noise, crowding and cheap windows that leak air and make me cold. Thankfully, he listened and I allow him to use Mom's drawing of me on his places as a reminder that there is one place where kitties are welcome. I do, however, charge him a fee of one case of baby food lamb for each sign he uses.
 

Then tragedy hit - my best friend Watson died - and I was alone and depressed. At first Mom thought I was getting sick because I missed Watson, but after they took me to the vet and Doc ran all of his tests, including that disgusting blood work, they discovered that I have pancretitis - and they predicted a life span of 3 to 6 more months - Mom was devastated and she called every vet in Southern Illinois and the U of I Veterinary School, but no one could offer any hope after they heard my enzyme levels, so Mom went and hassled Doc Miller about anything we could try and he suggested that they feed me only baby food lamb and rice, mixed with enzymes; the tricky part was that I could only have 1 teaspoon of food at a time, with 45 minutes between feedings. I was hungry all the time but if I ate anything more I got sick. Everybody came and fed me all through the day - I did like all the attention but I would rather had a nice big bowl of dry cat food. After a few months, I got to have bigger feedings, like I do now, so life got better. In case you're wondering, I was supposed to be dead 12 years ago.

Mom says I'm her living proof that the common wisdom isn't always true -if we'd believed them, I'd be dead now and there would be another corporate symbol on her business card. Now Mom's found some dry cat food that is made of lamb and rice and I get a few of those nuggets on my lamb twice a week - gourmet heaven!!Life was better again after I could eat, only 5 or 6 times a day instead of the 14 to 16 feedings I had done for the previous few months. I learned the trick to getting the humans to feed me whenever I was hungry - I would meditate over my empty bowl and soon one of the humans would appear and would put my food into the bowl. I think this is why when the humans have a problem, they discuss it with me - they tell me I'm tuned into their needs and my vast life and business experiences help them make their decisions (I'm the one responsible for the decision to build the 1 bedroom lofts and then the 1 bedroom flats- they kept dithering back and forth - should we or shouldn't we - so I finally told them "build it and they will come").

As I began to feel better and better and more like myself, I got more businesses up and rolling. I should have known the humans couldn't leave well enough alone - they had the audacity to bring home a dog - can you believe it? a dog in my house!! Well, I just went up to that German Shepherd and bit his nose and got him right in line - he still knows who's the boss and when I hiss at him to get off the spot I want on the couch, to this day, almost 10 years later, he still moves that 90 pound dog body out of my way fast!! He's pretty stupid, too - I threaten to use my claws, but he's never noticed that I don't have any claws. He does come in handy though when other cats comes near my house - all I do is tell him to act dog like and bark at that other cat and those cats just leave and don't come back - so at least I could train him to be my bodyguard. I was going to see if he could figure out the car, but he's too big to jump in the window the way I used too.

In case you're wondering who is going to take over my vast empire when I finally feel like retiring - it's Siren - Mom's all orange girl cat. She's already learned how to sit cute and is currently working on her business skills - she obviously wasn't at the front of the line when they were passing out brains, but there is some potential there. Mom is still working with her about leaving the answering machine alone, or at least, saving the messages. Siren's been working on the answering machine problem for about 8 years now. I guess I'll have to keep running my empire until Siren gets past office machines and into the serious business stuff like designing new floor plans, hiring the subcontractors for the new buildings going up next year, helping Mom find great tenants and, of course, the one thing Siren wants to learn - how to use credit cards!!!! (She learned about credit cards when I explained to her how I gave Andy the idea to let tenant's pay their rent with credit cards - she never knew they existed before - I think she wants to order more catnip plants. She ate the ones in the garden down to the ground, much to my dismay.) If you feel an overpowering urge to communicate with me, just send your message to Mom's E-mail address - she'll make sure I receive your note.